Gosshhhhh!!!! I’ve missed writing!! It’s not that I haven’t had anything to work through, it’s just that I haven’t been able to accept the fact that I needed to. My oldest son was down here for his spring break and it was awesome. He’s 10 and the little actually had a birthday party while the big was here. That alone made my year! Those two, DT and HW, they are everything…and no matter what I’m going through at any given time, when I have them both with me…it all melts away.

BUT, that crap always comes back because life. I also celebrated a birthday since I last posted. On that day, I slipped on a gravel incline and broke my arm in two places and sprained my ankle. Two days before that I was driving down the road with the boys and felt a bite sting sort of thing on my leg. I screamed, “OUCH! Something bit me!!” We all laughed…not knowing that it was a spider. Said bite is now crazy infected and might be more painful than my arm broken in two places.

So if you’re trying to imagine this, or even if you’re not, this is how I’m rolling for the time being. Right ankle sprained, left arm broken in two places, left thigh almost unbearable to walk on. YAY! So where do I put my weight?? On the ankle (ouch) or the leg that hurts when the blanket touches it (repeat ouch)??

My other pride and joy, besides the boys, is school. I’ve been on the Dean’s list and the President’s list, earned one degree in my double major journey, been inducted into an honors society, and now…a big pile of poop 💩…not the smiling one either. I fell behind, way behind, and was trying to catch back up (not very hard might I add) and then all kinds of things started to happen, including leaving myself mangled on my birthday.

I emailed my professor and told her what happened, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be ok. HOWEVER, that means working my butt off non-stop from now until graduation…with a freakin surgery in my VERY near future.

I’m totally avoiding talking about the status of the divorce because I think I’ve gotten all the “bad” out I can for one night. Plus, I can feel my bones rubbing up against each other and popping…which again, OUCH!!!!

Lastly, I have been slacking in my faith lately. I hate this feeling. I miss Jesus, I love Jesus, and I need Jesus. All of the bad things that have happened lately only drew me closer to Him. NOT TODAY SATAN, NOT TODAY!!

Like I’ve said before, this blog is for me to cope with the things going on in my life. So why do I post it in a public blog?? Maybe I can help someone, maybe you can relate, or maybe I can just make someone laugh; either way, I know it definitely helps me to write it all out. 😉

***I’m going against every fiber of my being and posting this without proofing.

Next post…online bullying

Don’t go against your better judgement…just don’t do it. Know better do better, right?! I mean seriously SELF!! I knew better, did anyway, and now I hate life.

Also, wtf is with anxiety?!? Like, WHAT IS THE POINT?? I hate it. I hate it so bad and I have it right now. Bad. I know it may SOUND like I’m on one, but that’s only because I am FREAKIN ON ONE!

This is my space…I come here to “write it all out” so here I am, in a shit mood, just needing some Jesus. Knowing that when I cry out to Him, I am going to absolutely lose it. What a mess…

But…what if, yes, I am a mess…but I am a beautiful mess?!? Not beautiful as in looks….I mean beautifully loved with no conditions. I mean that God gives me so much MERCY, and so much GRACE, that I can sit here and start this post depressed, and by the end of it…I am feeling a lot less like a failure, and a lot more like a work in progress.

Wow. I guess today I found out if this blog would really help me or not…THANK YOU JESUS for the ways that You are always moving, especially when You reveal it to me like you just have. When I needed it the most.

I love you.

**Just wanna say that I hate how I am just cussing away in the beginning of this post. I almost went and took it all out, but that wouldn’t be real…and you also would have had a lot less likely of a chance to see how I just went from “I can’t do this anymore” to my Heavenly Father showing me that…”I am loved. I am forgiven.” **

ENJOY THE MUSIC!

Look, sometimes you just get down…or at least I do. I make SUCH a big deal about it that I make it worse.

Why do I do that? I have an idea of why…it’s the one who comes to steal, kill, and destroy…the devil. He doesn’t want to see me happy. (Or anyone for that matter!)

I’m doing a lot. I have this time line of abuse to fill out, school, the almost FOUR year old 😩 that needs to be up under my feet at ALL times or the world will end, my most important relationships, which by the way are all taking a LOT of work right now, my mile long to-do list, and more.

**insert Billy Mays, “But wait! There’s more!”**

I couldn’t help myself…absolutely HAD to add it, lol 😂. My point is that I am swamped and it’s stressful…and sometimes I just get down. Like a normal human. Everyone has bad days. Literally. Everyone. HOWEVER, my really cool chemical imbalance in my head that causes depression says, “OH no bitch, it’s the end of the world!” And then it snowballs.

I’ve GOT to learn how to control my own mind more. Do you know how many problems that would solve?!? I don’t…but I know it’s an overwhelming amount.

So…that’s one more thing to add to my to-do list or my “get your life together and make it snappy you don’t have time to waste” list. Whatever…I’ve got this…well, I’ve got God, and HE’S got this.